I was a little hesitant to write this, since I don’t want my employer to find out that I’m looking for another job. After some further consideration, however, I think it’s worth writing. Besides, there are only like 6 people who read these, so the odds of word getting back to my bosses are pretty slim. (Don’t tell anyone, BILL.)

Anyway, off we go.

I honestly have no idea how someone finds a job these days. I’m not saying I don’t know how to look for a job- I’m fully aware of the means at my disposal [CareerBuilder, Monster, Indeed, LinkedIn, Craigslist (if you’re looking for an axe-murderer position), The Ladders, etc.]. Also, I like how I just listed a bunch of different sites to apparently prove to you that I know how to look for a job. Like you care but YOU DON’T AND YOU NEVER DID THIS IS WHY I WANT FULL CUSTODY OF THE CHILDREN. And though these are all very useful methods for seeing what jobs are available, in my experience they have almost zero value when it comes to actually applying to those positions. Any job that’s posted online is likely to have hundreds if not thousands of qualified applicants, and I know for goddamned sure these companies aren’t employing someone to sift through all those applications. As a matter of fact, every time I’ve gotten a call from a company on CareerBuilder, it’s because they found my résumé and reached out, not the other way around.

Honestly, I prefer using Craigslist. A lot of the job postings on there are bullshit, but at least when I apply to one of those, I know my résumé is actually going to someone’s e-mail. Which is more than I can say for CareerBuilder; whenever I apply, I just picture my résumé turning into paper and landing on the desk of some overworked, grizzled old man wearing thick glasses and an accountant’s visor, sitting in an empty office, weeping and gnashing his teeth in frustration as paper piles up around him. And he occasionally looks to the heavens and, in a quavering voice weakened by years of howls of despair, cries out in vain: “Please stop. I just want to eat my sandwich and read my periodical!” But they never stop, and soon that man will be dead, and nobody will attend his funeral. Hey, maybe I could get THAT job!

I also strongly dislike any job application that makes me write an essay. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense, since I love writing, but I love writing about the stuff that I love writing about. One application had me write what it means to be a member of a tribe, which, GUHHHHHH. And it wasn’t even for a writing position! Since when is a blue-book essay required to apply for an operations job? Why can’t I just send my résumé and my shitty, stock cover letter and be done with it? You’re not gonna read it anyway, so why make me waste my time?

It’s becoming more and more apparent to me that any company putting a listing on one of the aforementioned sites is doing so mainly to make you aware that they’re hiring, not to actually accept your application. If they like your résumé, they typically reach out to you, so there’s really no reason to spend your time applying for jobs on those sites. In actuality, your application really does nothing except get your hopes up that “This will be the company that calls back!” But they never do, and it’s awful. In the end, I keep coming back to that old adage that “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know,” and that couldn’t be more true. Every company that’s hired me has either reached out to me because they found my résumé online or because I know someone who got me an interview. That’s pretty much it.

But in the end, I’m still going to keep applying for new jobs, because I need to leave this one. So if you know of anything (not you, BILL), let me know. Will work for free cheap money.

Oh, also, a belated RIP to Lou Reed. “Don’t touch him, don’t touch him, stay away from him, he’s got a gun.” I was never a big Velvet Underground fan, but “The Gun” is such an awesome song. Plus, the album cover for “The Blue Mask” makes him look like a member of the Baseball Furies from “The Warriors,” and that’s just fantastic.