“I live in New York, and in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but don’t try to have a conversation with me like you don’t have a handlebar mustache. Try to talk about regular stuff like music and politics? Nah dude, if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is Slinkys and kazoos and that’s it. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker.”
As I’ve said before, I use Tinder. One of the many things I’ve noticed while using that site is an alarming amount of girls who think mustaches are still cool/charming/whimsical. You wouldn’t believe how many pictures girls take with one of the following:
1) A pint glass with a mustache drawn on it;
2) A pair of fake glasses, affixed to which is a plastic mustache that hangs above the wearer’s upper lip;
3) A mustache drawn on the outside of the subject’s index finger in Sharpie (which: why?), or;
4) A mustache tattooed on the inside of the subject’s index finger.
Now, the first three are slightly irritating, mostly because it’s just a fucking mustache. I don’t get the obsession with mustaches. I’ve grown one out before, and based on people’s reactions, you’d think I was the first person in the history of Earth to grow hair on their face. It’s an unwillingness to shave the entirety of my face, not sorcery. But for some reason, people always look at me and go “OMG I LIKE THE ‘STACHE!” and squeal with glee like they won’t see 60 more mustaches by the time they go to bed.
Even so, those who take pictures with fake mustaches pale in comparison to the members of that fourth category: the women who went to such lengths as to tattoo a mustache on their finger. Think about that day in their lives. They woke up, excitement and nervous anticipation gnawing at their insides. Maybe they brushed their teeth, took a shower, all that jazz. Then, they headed over to a tattoo parlor, where someone said “Would you like to look at our design book?” And they said “No no…I know exactly what I want. An 1850s-style mustache tattooed on the inside of my index finger so that, when the mood strikes, I can curl my finger over my upper lip. And in that glorious, fleeting moment, I will be more than a mere mortal. I will have a fake mustache.” Is that not the most idiotic thought process you’ve ever heard of? How do tattoo artists not look at them and go “Sure…and since you’re so interested in fads that are way past the point of being cool, you want to play Pogs while you wait?” If I were a tattoo artist, I would turn away every individual who requested a finger-mustache on the grounds that I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving a tattoo to a mentally retarded person. The first few people to get it were undoubtedly clever, there’s no denying that. But every other idiot who saw it on someone else and went “OOH I GOTTA HAVE THAT!” should be fucking ashamed of themselves. I get fad hairstyles or fad clothing, but fad tattoos? I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but that’s exactly what they are, and it needs to stop. I know some of you are thinking “BUT RYAN, #YOLO!,” and if that’s the case, please flush yourself down a toilet.
Another thought: you just know 90% of these people are going to be super pissed with themselves in, like, 10 years when they look at that tattoo. There’s no way they’re gonna look at it and go “Time for me to bring back the mustache-tat picture trend.” At best, it’ll be the kind of tattoo that they look at and go “God, I was fucking stupid when I was younger.” Don’t get me wrong, I think tattoos (when properly executed) can look very cool, but getting one so you can pretend to be Festus T. Botherington IV in pictures is the diametric opposite of cool.
This, of course, doesn’t apply to my friends who have these tattoos. Actually, yes it does. Shame on you.