When I got my shitty replacement phone, I told myself I could manage for a few months, because I’m a warrior striding valiantly onward in the face of adversity. I was wrong- I’m actually a tremendous coward whose tolerance for things being anything less than perfect is so minuscule as to be nonexistent. So I broke down, ordered a new phone, and it came today. And HOLY SHIT WHY DID I EVER THINK I COULD MANAGE WITHOUT A PROPER PHONE I MISSED YOU SO MUCH [endless kissing noises].

I did notice some differences in my phone usage, though, and they weren’t necessarily all bad things. For one, I found myself spending less time staring mindlessly at my phone (largely because I hated it so much that my eyes couldn’t bear to look at that stupid thing.) This, of course, led to a drastic uptick in productivity, and I’m happy to report that those days are OVER. I’m back to being a mediocre employee and someone who is largely disinterested in their surroundings mere hours after receiving my replacement phone. So that’s good. I also had absolutely no desire to write or post anything from my phone, because the autocorrect was so atrocious that I would spend an hour on what amounted to maybe 250 words. Plus, every time I texted, I was filled with a sudden, overwhelming urge to commit mass murder. That may have been from all the PCP I’ve been using, though. I love PCP.

They sent me an iPhone 5C as a replacement, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t incredibly disappointed at first. Which, when you think about it, is absolute fucking lunacy- who gets upset by getting an upgraded phone because it’s “not quite as nice as my old phone”? The answer is me. I get upset. Now that I have it, though…well, put it this way: if someone offered me a swap of this phone for my old iPhone, I’d slap them on their cheeks for making such a foolish proposal. Even an inferior version of an upgrade is still an upgrade.

I went to the AT&T store to get my phone activated, and the guy who activated it could not have been less interested in doing a good job. He didn’t import any of my contacts, he muttered maybe twenty words total for the whole 15 minutes I was in there, and when I asked if the screen protector I was buying was any good, his response was “I dunno. It’s a screen protector.” What kind of asshole response is that? STEP UP YOUR SALESMANSHIP/CONVERSATIONAL GAME, TIM. Now I have to go back to the AT&T store to get my phone properly set up. And if you think I’m going back to that dickhole, you’ve drastically underestimated how much of a passive-aggressive pussy I can be. Old Timmy boy’s getting a shitty review when I go to the other store, though. I WILL NOT LET THIS STAND.

Now that my old phone is no longer in use, I’ve kinda been considering having a good old-fashioned smash fest with that thing, preferably with a baseball bat. But given my luck, I’ll probably break this phone 20 minutes after ruining that one, so maybe I should hold off.

/stares at old phone angrily as if it’s shitty on purpose

So anyway, this is my way of saying I AM BACK. Until I get robbed again. Enjoy the music.