I found out the other day about the existence of an app called Lulu. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this app (congratu-fucking-lations, by the way), I’ll explain it in a little more detail. Basically, anybody who is your Facebook friend or a friend of one of your Facebook friends can rate you. Ratings are scaled from 1-10; however, instead of asking the participant for a numerical grade in each of these categories, the women have to answer a series of whimsical questions; based on their answers, points are assigned for each category. The categories are: Appearance, Humor, Manners, Sex, First Kiss, Ambition and Commitment. In addition, a reviewer can put hashtags describing in further detail your best and worst qualities. Those ratings are averaged out, giving you an aggregate score which can then be seen by anyone with whom you’re Facebook friends, as well as their friends.

Full disclosure: I was rated on this site, which is how I was made aware of its existence. I debated whether or not I should share my review, since the whole thing is absurd and meaningless, BUT in the spirit of journalistic integrity (I guess?), I’ll share them. My comments on the ratings are below.

Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with this review.

Appearance: 4.0

Well, that’s just mean.

Humor: 8.0

Hey, thanks!

Manners: 8.0

I…I guess?

Sex: 6.5

Actually, that’s probably accurate.

First Kiss: 6.5

MY LIPS ARE LIKE PILLOWS FILLED WITH LOTION AND YOU NEED TO LEARN TO APPRECIATE A GOOD MOUTH WHEN YOU SEE IT.

Ambition: 10.0

I rent cars for a living.

Commitment: 4.0

I’m gonna guess things didn’t end so smoothly with this reviewer.

All told, an aggregate score of 6.7; in other words, I’m a D+ as a man. And then there are the hashtags: “#JekyllandHyde,” “#HitItAndQuitIt,” “#50ShadesOfF**kedUp,” “#ThatGuy”. However, I’m also “#Mysterious” and “#UnchartedTerritory,” so I guess it’s a wash.

Let me be completely clear: I could care less about my rating on this thing. I am aware that writing about how stupid this app is (and it is stupid) makes it look like a case of sour grapes on my part because I didn’t get a high rating, but believe me, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. (That being said, though, what does it say about the reviewer that I’m a 4.0 appearance-wise, yet she still had sex with me?)

First of all, some of those criteria are absurd. “Manners”? What is this, an Emily Brontë novel? And only someone who’s seen “Hitch” 56 times (alone, natch) would think to make “First Kiss” a category. What’s wrong with just “Kissing”? As for “Commitment,” well, you can’t rate someone if you’re in a relationship with them, so the results are guaranteed to be skewed (if a guy breaks it off with a girl, she probably won’t give him very high marks, right?), so I really don’t see the point of this category. (Side note: I saw one guy’s ratings, which were given to him by a girl whose dealings with him were limited to “A Crush,” and she gave him a 10 in “Commitment.” HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW?! YOU AREN’T DATING HIM!) “Ambition” is kinda murky, I think- a guy could say he wants to do all sorts of cool things with his life and get a 10, while another guy could just not share his ambitions and get a 0. I don’t get it. And “Humor” is fairly subjective, too, if you think about it- there are people who don’t think Jerry Seinfeld is funny (I’m one of them), so I don’t think Humor can be easily quantified.

This leaves us with “Sex” and “Appearance” which, quite frankly, are what this app (and the countless others like it) are for. It’s the female equivalent of HotOrNot, which is another awful idea brought to life. Apps like those are a way for women and men to anonymously rate the opposite sex with a total lack of accountability, which is pretty unfair. Not only that, but since the person being reviewed has no way of knowing who’s writing this shit about them, there’s no way to find out what they did wrong to avoid making those mistakes with another person. It’s just an excuse to take out your frustration on someone for their real or perceived misdeeds. The problem arises when other people (either your friends or friends of friends) see those reviews and think “Wow, so-and-so is a fucking asshole! GOODBYE, FRIENDSHIP WITH HIM.” That’s a totally plausible scenario, and it’s kind of a shitty thing to do to someone, don’t you think?

I hesitate to make this next point, because I don’t want it to be misconstrued as misogynistic. But given the outcry from women about sites like HotOrNot or other places for meatheaded shitsacks to rate women based solely on physical appearance, isn’t it extremely hypocritical to do pretty much the same to guys? I know that some women will say “BUT THIS IS HOW I CAN WARN WOMEN ABOUT THIS GUY WHO DIDN’T WANT TO DATE ME GRRRRRRLPOWER!,” which may be true, but there are plenty of girls who will cast aspersions on a guy just because he wasn’t interested, the same way that guys will call a girl a slut for not wanting to sleep with them. It’s a shitty thing to do. Plus, with an app like this, you’re deprived of the satisfaction (as it were) of knowing who’s saying shitty things about you, which could help determine if their criticisms are valid or if they’re just being vindictive.

I swear to God, I’m not bitter. That score I received? That could probably be applied to Seth Rogen, and he seems to be doing okay for himself. So THE JOKE IS ON YOU, ANONYMOUS CRITIC.

Here’s your song of the day: