Saturday Night Live has been a staple of American television for nearly a half-century. Which is kind of a weird thing to write, because hardly anybody seems to actually enjoy the show. Even when the show is firing on all cylinders (and I honestly can’t recall the last time that happened), the general praise is that it reminded the viewer of the show’s golden years.

It’s usually not a good sign when the most fervent praise you can offer a show is “A reasonable facsimile of the heights already achieved by the show in seasons past.” Nevertheless, despite perpetually being two or three years removed from when it was good, SNL somehow remains on the air.

The general consensus around SNL, at least among those I know, is “Whatever, that’s fine”: nobody holds a strong opinion because there isn’t much about which one can feel particularly strongly. It’s just…there. And that’s fine — it’s something to watch if you’re home on a Saturday night and don’t want to enjoy yourself.

But to some conservatives, SNL is not only an insanely popular television show, it is the vehicle through which the left’s political views are shaped. And so, to even out the playing field, Townhallwriter Mike LaChance has a bold idea: SNL, but for conservatives.

Let’s dive in.

Andrew Breitbart once said politics is downstream from culture. 

Andrew Breitbart was a thoroughly contemptible human being who died on the toilet.

It was true then and rings even truer now. Conservatives must confront the left in the arena of entertainment. 

A bold idea. Frankly, I’m surprised that nobody has attempted to make a conservative TV show that gives voice to the conservative values held dear by so many Americans.

‘Saturday Night Live’ used to be a comedy show. Now it’s a political operation intended to help Democrats win elections and to assist the left in the culture war.

Go on…

Think back to the first episode of SNL after the 2016 election. There were countless things which could have been hilariously parodied in their cold open. Instead, we got a funereal musical dedication to Hillary’s failed campaign. Weeks later, cast members sang a rendition of ‘To Sir, With Love’ to Obama.

That’s not comedy or entertainment, it’s political activism.

 The only people who were moved by that are the kind of people who still call Trump “Drumpf” and say shit like “I miss George W. Bush, at least he was a good guy!” They’d happily get on board for President Mike Pence if it meant Trump got impeached.

After John Kerry’s failed bid for president in 2004, liberals decided they needed their own Drudge Report and formed the Huffington Post.In 2011, leftists who wanted to replicate the energy of the Tea Party descended on Zuccotti Park for Occupy Wall Street.

It’s time for conservatives to take a page out of this copycat playbook and form our own ‘Saturday Night Live.’

Fun fact: before he died on the toilet, Andrew Breitbart was one of the co-founders of The Huffington Post.

I don’t have the contacts to pitch this officially to anyone at FOX News or FOX Entertainment,

No shit?

but I hope they’re reading this, because I’m not kidding.

Oh, how I wish you were.

Conservative Americans need and deserve a ‘Saturday Night Live’ of their own.

I would argue that nobody needs or deserves a Saturday Night Live of their own, but you do you.

First, don’t try to hide what you’re doing. Bill the show as the red state alternative to Saturday Night Live and broadcast it on the same night at the same time.

“Do the cold open in blackface.”

 Second, set it in America’s heartland. Omaha, Nebraska would be ideal.

Omaha is literally in one of the only two counties in Nebraska to vote for Hillary Clinton.

And give it a similar name and branding to SNL. Something along the lines of “Live from Omaha! It’s Another Saturday Night!” would work.

Sure, rolls right off the tongue. Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve gone this long without capturing the ear of TV execs.

If lawyers say that’s too close to SNL, get creative but make sure viewers know exactly what the show is intended to be.

God forbid the intended audience has to learn something on their own. UGH, CAN YOU IMAGINE?

Third, take advantage of all the comedic opportunities SNL passes over on a weekly basis for purely partisan reasons.Hammer Democratic leaders like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.

Sure, go for it.

Parody CNN and MSNBC in the same way that SNL delights in making fun of FOX News.Chris Cuomo and Brian Stelter are walking comedy skits just waiting to happen. Have you ever wondered why they’re not an object of ridicule on SNL?

Probably because they’re not actively committing crimes on air.

There are countless other possibilities SNL regularly neglects which would send conservative Americans into fits of laughter. 

“You know what? Just do the whole thing in blackface.”

‘Saturday Night Live’ typically does 21 episodes per season. Here are suggestions for hosts of the first five episodes of its new competitor “Live from Omaha!”

James Woods

Assuming he’s not too busy trying to bang underage girls.

Ann Coulter

Remember the last time Ann Coulter tried comedy?

Greg Gutfeld

Sarah Palin 

Oh, she died. Yeah, moose on an ATV shot her in the throat.

Big story, lots of blood, surprised you didn’t hear about it.

Adam Baldwin

Guys, this is his ideal lineup. THESE ARE HIS ACTUAL TOP-FIVE CHOICES TO HOST.

Future potential hosts could include Rush Limbaugh, Adam Carolla, Ben Shapiro, Joe Rogan, Michelle Malkin, Nick Searcy, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Jon Voight, Dennis Miller, Angie Harmon, Larry the Cable Guy, Dean Cain, Pat Sajak, Tucker Carlson and Mike Rowe, just to name a few. 

That sounds like Hell. You’ve just described what it would be like to be in Hell.

How about musical guests? Again, here are your first five episodes:

Kanye West

“He’s okay with us now that he’s lost his mind.”

Trace Adkins

Sammy Hagar

Also known as “Joe’s Crab Shack, but in the body of a human man.”

Charlie Daniels

Charlie Daniels had one good song and he’s a million years old. Isn’t there one non-manic-depressive under the age of 45 available? 

Kid Rock

Guess not.

How about some sketch ideas? Here you go:

[salivating like a cartoon wolf staring at a chicken] 

Very Deep Thoughts from Joe Biden

Boi he bout to do it

Tonight on CNN: Chris Cuomo Says the Darndest Things

YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DO IT TO ‘EM

A sketch featuring Sarah Palin playing Tina Fey upset about Hillary losing. 

We’re coming up on 10 years since the original SNL sketch and two years since the election, so [checks watch] yep, right on schedule for conservative humor.

The Social Justice Warriors: A group of college undergrads who are trying to advance radical social change but can’t get anywhere because they’re constantly at war with each other over pronouns.

For the love of Christ, right-wingers: can we stop with the pronoun jokes? Not only are they not funny (the next 40-something white dipshit with a goatee and a dilapidated fishing boat who says they “identify as an attack helicopter” is getting knifed), they’re not even accurate. I’m studying journalism at arguably one of the most progressive schools in the country, and I’ve literally never seen anything like this happen.

And even if it did happen all the time: WHO CARES? Is your ability to understand and empathize with other human beings so brittle that even the idea of someone using a different pronoun than you expected upsets your entire perspective on the world?

Because if so, there’s a simple solution: go fuck yourself.

Lifestyles of the Rich and Democrat 

Oh, I get it, from that show that went off the air in 1995. Timely pull.

Also, “Democrats are socialists” and “Democrats are CRAZY RICH!” are kind of oil & vinegar. Unless, of course, he means that most current congressional Democrats don’t actually want to do anything to address the staggering income inequality in America, in which case…welcome to #TheResistance.

Mental health tips from Kathy Griffin and Jim Carrey

They’re not insane, they just don’t like you.

Bernie Sanders hosts a radio show where he can’t explain the historical failures of socialism to a single caller.

Right-wingers believe that China is kicking our ass all over the place in terms of geopolitical dominance. China is a socialist market economy. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Also, why would Bernie Sanders be hosting a radio show? Why wouldn’t this take place in, like, a political setting where he actually works? Why are you retconning the Bernie Sanders story, man?

There should also be sketches which make fun of liberal comedy heroes like Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Samantha Bee and Trevor Noah. Maybe this could take the place of SNL’s “Weekend Update.” Make these hypocrites the butt of the joke for once and see how they like it.  

I think they’d be fine with it, largely because they’re functioning adults who don’t mock people for being “snowflakes” then mewl incessantly about “respect” when those same people return the favor.

The possibilities are endless. The show doesn’t even have to be pro-Trump or pro-Republican. All it has to do is not be anti-Trump or anti-Republican.

Absolutely everything you’ve just described above is pro-Trump (and, by extension, pro-Republican).

Imagine the horror of media and Hollywood elitists the first time “Live from Omaha!” outpaces “Live from New York!” in the ratings.

Imagine having to glue yourself to the couch every Saturday night and watch a shitty, low-rent version of an already-pretty-shitty sketch comedy show just to own the libs.

Do you want to win the culture war, or at the very least balance it out? Meet the left on their turf and beat them at their own game.

“We see your Donald Glover, and we raise you the voice of Mater from Disney/Pixar’s Cars.”

It would devastate their narrative and remind millions of Americans that not everyone agrees with the Democrat Media Complex.

That’s what the New York Times is for.

If we’re serious about culture, we have to get in the game.

BUHHHHHHHHH

As they say with the lottery, you can’t win if you don’t play.

You also can’t lose, which seems like a much more realistic outcome.

Look, you want your own version of SNL? Feel free. In fact, take the actual SNL that already exists, I don’t give a shit. It’ll get canceled inside of a month because of all the blackface, we’ll all endure another round of “CoNsErVaTiVe VoIcEs ArE bEiNg SiLeNcEd!,” and we’ll be right back where we started.

But hey, as a wise man once paraphrased the state lottery board: you can’t win if you don’t play.