When I was younger, I went through a phase of trying (and I do mean “trying”) to culturally align myself with the black half of my heritage. I wore Fubu, Ecko, listened to every hip-hop CD I could get my hands on (including “Opposite of H2O” by Drag-On, which is embarrassing even to remember), wore chains (one of which had the Ruff Ryders’ “R” on it), pinkie rings, and a watch on each wrist and, oh yeah, I grew an Afro.

Yep. I also got cornrows, and that’s roughly the time my dad decided he’d had enough of that shit and demanded I take them out. It was an overcorrection on my part; I felt as though I neglected to appropriately acknowledge my racial composition (growing up just south of Boston will do that to you), so I just piled it on all at once.

The end result was that I looked like a fucking idiot.

My brother told me that all the time, but in my arrogance, I thought “Man, he’s just mad that I don’t wear Abercrombie like him. GATOR BOOOOOOTS, AND THE PIMPED-OUT GUCCI SUUUUUUUITS…” But he was absolutely right- in my haste to connect with black culture, I ended up looking like a parody of a black guy. Since I don’t look black, though, I really just looked like a fat white loser who desperately wanted to be black. (Note: Far be it for me to say what constitutes a good or a bad look, but this is always a bad look.)

Now, Miley Cyrus isn’t pudgy, so she’s got that going for her, but that shit last night? She looked like a 13 year-old girl telling her parents “I’M A SEXUAL BEING NOW AND YOU OLD STICKS-IN-THE-MUD NEED TO LET ME BE A REAL WOMAN NOW!” The weird faces she keeps making (which are some unholy punk rock/rebellious/drifter-looking-for-a-campfire hybrid) just seem like a really weird cry for attention. Or help. Probably help. But I digress.

It seems like she’s doing the exact same thing I did when I was 15, and I assure you, that’s the only thing I have in common with Miley Cyrus. She found a cool (? I think twerking is absurdly stupid, but whatever) part of culture, tried desperately to align herself with it, overshot the mark like fucking crazy, and last night was the end product. And that’s how you get Will Smith and his family to look at you like this:

Even Jaden Smith is embarrassed for her, and that’s saying something.

Anyway, Miley Cyrus is weird. I don’t care for her at all.